Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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