We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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