Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
