some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
