Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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