I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
