The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
