you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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