I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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