I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
