There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Shame is for Republicans.
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