shes about as inviting as chlamydia
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
