I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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