Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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