I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
handjob tips. give me some.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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