I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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