He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
