What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Randomize
