turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
