I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
