Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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