you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am available for nakedness
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
