im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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