I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
