Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
