he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
