There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
