I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
