how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
