And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
