Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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