dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
