So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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