You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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