so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
