my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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