just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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