You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
