Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
