bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
