Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
