I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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