toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
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I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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