i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
