I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
