Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
