I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
