I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm both gender and math confused
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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