Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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