Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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