i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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