haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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