So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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