I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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